I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
