His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
