you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
