My first STD was from a foam party
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
