You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
