Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
