Swine flu. Run for my life!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
