sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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