we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
