The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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