I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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