Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
