U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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