If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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