so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
