So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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