I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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