is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize