I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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