every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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