Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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