from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've blown a few things in my day
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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