My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
