Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
