You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
