Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
