You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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