wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
