someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
