saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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