So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
