piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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