We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
