My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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