If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
