My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
there's paper in my vomit.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
