sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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