Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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