I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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