apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
