Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
