dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
