Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
