Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
