I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
