I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
