The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
