I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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