the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
