Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
