Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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