I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
