I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
