Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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