i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize