He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
