Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
