she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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