I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
